Venting and Reflecting

Dude, what happened?,.. This phrase all too common.  My life altered on Jan 4^th, 2016.  I suffered a nervous breakdown and requested some time.  Well, all the time in the world was accorded me and I in turn returned to a world, a scary world that I didn’t recognize.  The year precedent, I was in an awesome parish, vibrant, and fully convinced of my ‘call’ to priesthood.(in certain respects, I remain as such),. Fate perhaps, decided another path.  You see, I remain a sinner.  Arrogant, narcissistic, emotionally impulsive and perhaps unstable.  Perhaps I’m too self-centered, another vice that I need to work on.  One thing that is my strength however,.. I am no pu$$,.. err,. Let’s say ‘pushover.’ I was raised a certain way, in a traditional home where my father was my father, not my buddy.  He kicked my ass when I deserved it, and mentored and taught me in all things...  You get my point? 😉

The Church, Holy Mother Church, Her arms symbolic in St Peter’s square, seem to symbolize accompanying everyone.  Both on the ‘right’ and ‘left’ of the spectrum.  I considered myself neither, and strangely was convinced that even Jesus would find political terminology in His Church a little absurd.  I made and owned my decision, to the point where I still remember that the woman I was dating picked me up from ‘signing up’ and we went to eat Chinese food at a local place.  I made a tough choice.  I trusted God, it hurt.  Well,. It seems that even though I had a good report from Parish, my grades were good, I collapsed.  I’m 40, not married, no kids and with elderly parents. I’m in ‘panic’ mode.  Perhaps it was the forced fed ‘Pastoral’ theology Quebecois nonsense? (notice how I didn’t capitalize it?),. I tend to think so. 

I am an integrated man, and my call to chastity remained rooted in a prayer life no doubt, but also a proper physical regimen.  In other words, I would ‘beat’ my body into submission through rigorous training along with avoiding any sugar ‘estrogen building’ foods.  There are tons of beautiful women in Parishes, and the man discerning celibacy must be aware of these dangers.,.. Now I’m gonna address the elephant in the room.  Has the priesthood become the bastion or safe haven for all the men seeking to escape the world?  The ones who were harassed in high school, couldn’t get a girl and couldn’t hold down a job?  Or I dare say were homosexual men?  I went there! (Let’s put our cards on the table,. When the so-called pedo scandals reveal that 90 % of the abuse was committed by men seeking post pubescent boys,.it’s a homo issue at its core!)   I wonder,..  

Now forced to recommence dating, to negotiate a world that I had left, to do so with priesthood on my heart,.. to not have clear answers… Its all tough.  I continue to work in a pastoral dimension, perhaps this is what God is asking of me?,. I teach and train people in Jiu Jitsu, (They in turn become my children,..).. Where am I going?  On God knows and time will tell… In the meantime, this message is to all the men who thought they were bullied by men who ‘look’ like me… I’m sorry high school was rough, and although I was never bullied, I was never a bully either.  Perhaps to you, I was an ‘invader’ in your world.  All I wanted to do was follow God’s Will for my life.  As for the ‘pastoral’ theology, the reason men like me don’t excel at this, is simply because we don’t ‘think’ like women.  Men, whether they be priests or fathers, are called to a Spiritual fatherhood of heroic virtue, not of candy cane or Hallmark card emotionalism.  I’m sorry I’m being rough with you, but for men who were bullied, know that it was you who became the ‘bullies’ for men like me.  My crimes, not being into ‘singing’ and ‘painting’ and whatever else.  I wanted to lay down my life completely for Christ, but I clearly was not part of your clique.  Please do not say that I’m a clericalist, or  Have you cleaned feces from a homeless person?  Have you hugged a former or current prison inmate struggling with depression?  You don’t know me, and perhaps because I don’t give off the ‘Pink Unicorn Social Justice ‘Jesus’ you want, you decided to squash me.  I wish you no ill will or harm, but I pray and hope that you will leave us alone, not undertake marketing endeavours or otherwise spend diocesan money without addressing again, the giant elephant in the room… The FSSP and other Traditional communities are growing, the mainstream Church is aging,.. Is it not time to face reality?  

I feel better having gotten this off my chest!

God bless. 

Marco,  **former** seminarian.